Longchamp: up a creek without a paddle

Impish, shrimpish model, Audrey Marnay got much less/more than she bargained for when she signed on to shoot the Spring '11 Longchamp campaign with Patrick Demarchelier.  Allegedly, fellow shrimp model and former face of the brand, Kate Moss, became so enraged at the idea of being replaced by Marnay, she contracted famously foul tempered thug and hitwoman Naomi Campbell to "get rid of 'er". After negotiating payent in "big, shiny diamonds; not those fucking dirty ones that South African bloke gave me", Campbell put her evil plan into action. Following a hearty breakfast of cigarettes, crunchy cellphone-parts and a recently employed Latina maid, Campbell boarded "Uncle Phil's" jet for the 5 day flight to deepest, darkest Papua New Guinea - location of the Longchamp shoot.  Upon landing, Campbell went right to work - burning villages, throwing flat screen televisions at the local tribespeople and bribing and berating cannibals to do her evil bidding.  The cannibals leapt at the work, delighted to be paid in "extremely rare and valuable dirty stones".  In rapid succession, Campbell's cannibals snatched Marnay from the hair and makeup trailer, gnawed off both her feet, stuck her upright in a dug out canoe and set her adrift with nothing but a Longchamp handbag (stuffed with tissue paper) and a thoroughly pissed off look on her face.  But every cloud has a silver lining.  On the way to the New Guinea airport, Naomi's armored tank was forced off the road by a rival cannibal gang and she was roasted on a spit and eaten.

The remains of Rhianna

The picture of Rihanna on the cover of this month’s Elle must make women feel really despondent.  It pretty much says it’s no longer enough to just be beautiful, talented and lusciously curvy.  Now you’ve also got to be a shape-shifting contortionist with a waist the same width as your head.  The poor girl’s right shoulder appears dislocated (don’t try that at home, ladies).  Her ravishing figure has been reduced to an indeterminate series of flat planes and awkward angles (again, don’t try this at home).  And her hips…well, what woman in her right mind needs those?  Which brings me to the villain of the piece - Photoshop.

While fashion editors, designers, advertisers and advertising standards organizations huddle in far flung places to debate what constitutes Photoshop abuse, many in the retouching community seem to be merrily abusing it in whole new ways. We're talking missing limbs and navels,  and folds of fabric masquerading in plain daylight as a penis. Yes, you can see it all (and more!) on the holy grail of Photoshop disaster blogs, the aptly named photoshopdisasters.com. (Thanks for the tip, J.P.)  

Here’s a little something to tide you over ‘til you get there.

Lemon Chiffon: A powerful new hallucinogen?

FRESH BAKED? Models tripping out in a fish pond.

The narrative of this new Pamella Roland ad is highly confusing.  I attempted to decipher the “story” last night (it was a slow Tuesday) and came up with far more questions than answers, i.e.

1. Do women really fantasize about wading in fetid fishponds wearing evening gowns?  

2. Is the forlorn looking model on the left plotting to escape the shoot by drowning herself?

3. Is the blonde on the right communing with aliens, pumping up her tan or tripping her tits off on mushrooms? 

4. Were Koi or any other decorative fish injured during the production of this ad?

5. Did the water damage the dress?  And if so was it insured?  

6. Was the models hair dyed to match their outfits?  And if so, were they insured?

Color me confused. 

Model Massacre

Eva Mendes and Jamie Dornan crushed by flying board.

Eva Mendes and Jamie Dornan have enjoyed a spectacular run as Calvin Klein’s favorite underwear models, but evidently that run has now come to a tragic end. According to photographs in Calvin Klein’s Spring 2010 campaign, Eva and Jamie were modeling their socks off at a sandy beach locale when suddenly a huge wooden beam from a nearby construction site came crashing down upon them.  Jamie caught the hurtling board mere millimeters from Eva’s naked chest, saving her from being sliced in two…at least for a moment.  But the weight of the board and the awkwardness of their modeling position eventually proved too much for him, and, well, designer Francisco Costa is now said to be on the look out for two new faces - preferably with bodies attached.   

Handbag got you down? Join the club.

I’ve never been a fan of depressing advertising imagery.

It makes me not want to buy the product.  Take this recent ad from Bottega Veneta. What are they trying to tell us? Is the young couple on suicide watch? Is the handbag hoping that by looking crumpled and neglected someone will take pity and buy it?  And more perplexingly, is the female model actually wearing a large bottle opener around her neck?  In attempting to decipher the story, I uncovered 3 key points of communication - none of which I suspect Bottega Veneta intended.

1.  Even models are depressed by the decline in luxury handbag sales.

2.  There are only 2 places rich people (to whom this ad ostensibly appeals) can now safely be seen with a new $10,000 handbag during the recession.  

a. The gated and electrified confines of their own homes. 

b. The gated and electrified confines of a meth house, peeling paint included.

3.  If your boyfriend is more mesmerized by your new handbag than you are (as he appears to be here) he’s your girlfriend.

What ever happened to the element of desire in fashion advertising -- that giddy-making factor that makes me (or more importantly women with deep pockets) want to leap onto the page, mug the models and flee the set with the bag? Apparently it's busy making the cash register ring in someone else’s ad.